It has been 11 months since Matthew died.
I think it’s just important to remember that grief lasts forever. Someone who has lost the love of their life is always going to be hurting from the grief. 11 months is not a long time, but it’s a really long time, and the pain hasn’t gotten better. I don’t share this for sympathy or pity but to explain.
It’s a good day when I can stay busy. I’m thankful for my job, friends, and family for helping me stay busy and for helping me remember the real things. I’ve been out and about at more community and school events than I used to be, so that’s a good thing. I just want to add, though, that it’s tough to stay busy all the time because I’m naturally more of an introvert than an extrovert.
It’s hard to care about much when you’d rather not be alive anymore, so working to remember what’s real on this earth is what I’ve been trying to do. What’s real is people, so I remember that my students matter, my family matters, my friends matter. There are always people to help. There are always people hurting who can benefit from a listening ear.
Every day I have to fight the urge to just shut everyone out and self-isolate. Showing up takes a lot of energy, but I somehow realize it would be worse to shut down. After school hours and weekend hours are still toughest because the thoughts of not wanting to be alive come more frequently then.
I really miss being able to sit with Matthew in the same room while we both read or worked on different projects. I really miss being able to talk to the person who truly understood me. I really miss how much he made me laugh. I really miss having a partner to help with daily tasks and big picture life goals and emotional support. He was an excellent partner.
I just want everyone to know Matthew was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was my perfect match. There’s nobody like him.
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