Today it has been 7 months since Matthew died. 7 months is not that long, but 7 months is an eternity when each day is difficult to just survive without deep sadness and, many days, panic.
What has happened to me since the shock wore off 2 or 3 months ago—and in shock I was still crying every day like I do now—is that it seems the reality of his death hits harder now. I realize more often that he’s really not coming back. Also, I have heavier waves of panic and dread.
This book explains it well:
The Grieving Brain
Mary-Frances O’Connor, PhD
Panic grief:
C. S Lewis writes, “No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.”
O’Connor
“The present moment would assail me, often in the evening, and my automatic response was panic. My heart and my mind would race, and I would practically jump out of my chair with restlessness.”
Jaak Panksepp, neuroscientist, says that “when separated, animals usually undergo a period of increased activity, characterized by increases in heart and respiration rate, the release of stress hormones like cortisol, and distress calls.”
O’Connor
Panic, increased activity, and distress calls are likely to bring the separated animal into contact with others of its species. The function of panic grief is to motivate animals to come into contact with others.
O’Connor: “Social contact leads to the release of opioids in the distressed animal, which functions both to soothe and to teach.”
She says that a doctor should give this prescription: “To temporarily relieve your distress, have two conversations with caring people, preferably including a hug, and call me in the morning.”
Embarrassing as it is, I had to admit that just being alone induces a lot of panic and dread. Before I met Matthew, I did fine living on my own for 7 years. In this phase of life, I am not that same person. I’m not afraid of intruders in my house; rather, I’m afraid to be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts spiral out of control to the days and days of enduring this without feeling there is hope that it will ever get better. When you’re in it, you don’t remember the ok days. In the ok days, I try to just be grateful I’m not panicking. I try not to think more than one day at a time. That’s extremely difficult to do, but staying one step or one day at a time and staying around family and friends is helping me.
Please pray that God will help my brain stay thinking one step at a time and leave the big picture to him.
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