8 months since Matthew died
I like Wednesdays because I have some structured things in my day that keep me busy. I am also thankful that this morning I got to have two great chats (and coffee and a pedicure) with two treasured friends. Thank you, Shayne and Jordan.
I told myself I would keep doing these posts for a year so as to stay in communication rather than shutting down. This month it has been much more tempting to shut down. Last month I had about 4 or 5 ok days in a row, which was the longest stretch so far. This month is a little tougher because I don’t have summer school teaching to keep me as busy. What seems to still help the most is teaching. That’s a space where I still know who I am. I’m looking forward to school starting up again in August.
The pain of missing Matthew feels deeper by the month. I don’t like to talk about the grief much lately, though. I am trying to shut my brain off as much as possible and just take things one week, then one day, then 30 minutes at a time. The thought spiral is awful if I think about how this is absolutely NOT the life I wanted. Sometimes I want to be so many other people besides myself—so many other people seem to have much better lives—and I’ve never felt that way before.
I also have to try not to feel guilty about my body getting tired or feeling sick more easily. I thought that would be better by now, but it’s not. That’s frustrating and tough when my usual strategies when feeling down are to stay busy. I do hope to walk more at the rec center now that it’s usually too hot to walk outside.
The things that people say that are helpful:
We/ I love you.
You’re doing a great job.
We/ I am here for you.
There is no timeline on grief.
Things people say that are not helpful:
He is happy now in heaven. (I know that, but that doesn’t help me when I just want to be there, too.)
Just don’t dwell on it. (I wish I could choose to turn it off and on; I guess it naturally shuts off better when I have 10 things to do at once at school, but that’s about the only fix. It all hits again when the school day comes to an end.)
A new therapist I tried suggested getting a pet…(I know he was not saying that would solve everything, but it felt like it at the time. Also, sir, I already have two cats and one of them is acting out due to life changes and had to be put on Prozac.)
Activities that are helpful:Mindless sorting-type things.
Helping others (as long as it’s not too physically taxing or in the heat 😀)
Talks with friends about every day interests (in air conditioning)
Zoom Bible studies
30 Rock (my favorite TV show) or other mindless TV
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