Matthew died 9 months ago.
I tried to filter this and make it sound more positive, but I don’t have the energy today. I guess I’m still sharing so that others in my situation know they’re not alone and so that those of you who know someone whose spouse died can understand some of what they might be feeling but not saying in public. I don’t think most of us in grief talk about this in group settings and that’s because it’s hard to talk about. I put it here so that I can explain without having to say it in person, I guess.
I started school Thursday for the first time in 7 years without Matthew. Every transition seems to be a challenge. I felt unexpected sadness. I felt the difference between the usual hopeful me in August and the me now. That was a really tough feeling to experience when teaching is so much a part of my identity. I will do better when the students arrive. I can usually focus my attention on them and forget for awhile. For now, it feels like everyone is living their normal, happy lives except for me, and I’d rather be so many other people besides me right now. I work on trying to ignore those thoughts, but my brain is just so tired.
Any big gathering of people also seems to just zap me of energy because I can’t focus on any group conversation, especially not small talk. Most of the time it just feels like, “why does any of this matter?” and I feel especially alone in group gatherings.
I keep doing my best to take care of myself. I have friends and family who help me. I have received therapy. I’m doing everything I can. I don’t need advice or a change of attitude, though I do try to bully myself into cheering up or trying to forget about all this and move on. The reality just is that 273 days without Matthew is a really long time when each day is hard to survive. My body can’t be tricked into forgetting. I have not felt the pain ease up yet, and I’d really like to stop feeling sick and sad all the time. I’m angry that I have to keep living. I didn’t want this life.
There’s no use in asking why, I know. It’s just that I was so grateful for Matthew and told him so all the time. I’m not sure why I didn’t get to spend decades of marriage with him. I’m not sure why a guy who loved living had to die so young. I’m not sure why I didn’t get to go, too.
My brain tells me others who haven’t experienced the death of their spouse are judging me for not moving on or are judging me for being weak. I also judge myself harshly. My brain is just tired is all I can say.
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