I wrote this post on Facebook on 12/5 to help people understand my perspective, and people seemed to appreciate it.
I was thinking today about how grateful I am for the friends and family in my life that are such great friends in grief support. I am blessed that everyone naturally seems to know how to be so helpful and supportive, and I am really thankful for that. I do not know what I would do without this support system.
I know that, generally, knowing how to help someone who is grieving is awkward and an unknown. I thought this list might be interesting/ relatable/ helpful for those grieving and those helping loved ones who are grieving. I am an honest person, so thank you for allowing me to express this honestly:
Things That Help and Things that Really Do Not With Grief
Helpful:
-Inviting me to do an activity to help someone or to do an errand with you
-Still reaching out and offering support because I’m worried about what it will be like years from now. This grief will last forever, and I’m afraid people will get tired of me and I’ll be alone in all of this.
-Reminding me grief has no timeline
-Showing me that you are not afraid to hear and witness my grief, that I’m not a burden or depressing.
-Reminding me that every way of grieving is fine and normal
-Letting me know you are praying for me
-Telling me what you’re up to today or this week; it’s nice to feel like I can still have normal friend conversations in person and via text.
-Recognizing that I might seem like I’m doing well on the outside, but remember that you don’t see how hard it is when I’m not in public.
-Letting me express dark humor and sarcasm
-Bring up his name. Talk about what you loved about him. Tell a funny story you remember.
Not helpful:
-Telling me how much you miss him and are grieving him; you need to grieve him with your own friends and loved ones, not me. There’s a difference between sharing what you like about him and sharing how you’re grieving over him.
-Asking too many questions and suggestions in order to try to help me decide on something. Let me think and process.
-Too much cheery, in your face energy
-Suggestions about what I should do to occupy my time; this is different than the helpful way, which is to just offer a couple of ideas you have about what we could do together.
-Telling me I must probably be questioning God’s plan right now
-Complaining about your spouse to me
-Sharing too many Bible verses that you assume I need or like
-Saying he is in a better place. I know he is in heaven, but that doesn’t keep me from feeling lonely here on Earth.
-Not bringing it up at all.
My own personal ways of grieving:
Crying
Writing to Matthew
Talking it out with my parents
Texting friends I trust
Visiting his grave
Listening to music that reminds me of him; he sings to me, in a way, through those.
Looking at pictures of him every day
Wearing his shirts and shoes
Trying to do one productive thing each day/ trying to keep busy
Doing easy physical/hands on tasks
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